Monday, 3 August 2015

Tom Talks: Grayson #1 (with spoilers)

So, this is another post that I'll be making, where I regularly go through each issue of a comic series and mock it. And what better way to start it than with Dick Grayson's Backside Grayson: the one comic that I'll never forgive for not being Nightwing.

Wait, is this a gritty reboot of Guy Smiley?
Greyson #1: Remember how Things Used to be Better?
Open book on four panels that remind us that Dick Grayson used to be an acrobat, Robin, Nightwing and dead (but not Batman, because shut up); all of which would have made for a vastly better comic. Cut to Dick Grayson with a blond wig jumping onto a train and beating up a random because EXCITEMENT! And just in case you didn't think it was cool, a guy in a black cowl (again, not Batman) tells you it was- so start thinking it was cool, underlings!
Look everyone; better versions of the title character!
But that's all the cool you get for now, because cut to boring scene of Dick on said train in Russia flirting with a conductor. How do we know it's in Russia? Well, Dick compliments a girl in horrible Russian- hint, Dick; "Dyevushka" is Russian for "Girl", not "Jevochka".
If you're still not convinced, there are two ACTUAL RUSSIANS on the train as well; y'know, the kind we see on TV all the time; a woman who looks like every blonde supermodel ever and an overweight man- just like the ones on Anastasia. In the meantime, she is being watched by someone that I'm going to call Frizzyhairlady until this issue reveals her name. Frizzyhair lady tells Dick that she drugged the fat Russian's drink, but it's not working for some reason.
So Dick jumps in, flirting with blonde supermodel. In the process, he purposefully spills his red wine all over her white dress, and she has to leave to clean up.
Guy Smiley Dick Grayson in his blonde wig.
STOP RIGHT THERE! Blonde supermodel starts talking to someone. Not just anyone, but the random who Dick knocked out earlier; who's still clinging to the train. She can't have a full conversation, though, because Frizzyhairlady uses weird hypnotic powers to knock her out.
Meanwhile, Dick has taken the fat person from Anastasia and flippy-jumped off the train before people starts shooting at them. Wait- so, either Dick decided to jump off the train knowing that there were shooty people there, or the shooty people knew Dick was going to jump off right there. Seriously, the only other option is to have shooty people en masse along the entire train track and that would seem very un-spy-like. It's okay though, Dick and fat guy can take cover in a nuclear silo. When they're being shot at. With bullets. In a place that could cause a nuclear explosion. Who exactly thought Dick would make a good spy?
Well, not surprisingly, the silo turns out to be a bad idea. Not because the place is explody, and the last place you would want someone shooting guns, but because black-trenchcoat-not-Batman is there and he wants to fight. Cue fightscene with unrealistic amounts of talking. He discovers that Dick works for Spyral. Then BOOM! Turns out the fat character from Anastasia is covered in purple energy and has blasted not-Batman out of the silo (again, they realise this a nuclear facility, right?). Dick again uses all the logic at his disposal to call the guy covered in purple energy who can shoot people inside a nuclear silo a loser.
Spinny kicks are the best kicks.
This should surprise no one, but that annoys the fatty and he blasts at Dick. Dick dodges, fatty has powered down, and Dick can apprehend him before the silo falls down.
Back at Spy headquarters. Dick's boss, a guy with a swirly face (and even though it sounds like a kid who got bullied in high school, I'm calling him Swirlyface) compliments them a job well done (aside from the very-conspicuous explosion of a nuclear silo) and- HOLD UP; FRIZZYHAIRLADY HAS A NAME. She's Helena Bertinelli- no, not Huntress, don't call her that.
Night time, and Dick is working out in his underwear. Cue total silence from people who would be up in arms if this was a female. He then interrupts the giddy screams of women who thought they picked up a Magic Mike comic to use a hotwired radio to talk to Bruce Wayne (it's okay though, he's still in his underwear). He's interrupted when Helena interrupts him where they discuss using hypnos- source of the weird hypnotic powers. She flirts with Dick, and then reveals that she doesn't need to use hypnos, because she's hot enough to make Dick go ga-ga. That'll only happen once, right? I mean, they're not going to make Dick's sexuality the only thing driving this book, right?
For everyone to marvel at Dick's... personality.
Cut to a Spyral lab, where a scientist is examining the fat Russian from Anastasia's newly-removed stomach, which seems to be the source of his powers. Swirlyface looks at pictures of superheroes, declaring that all must be unmasked.

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