Inhumans Vs X-Men (ANAD Marvel)

C'mon X-Men, why can't you die off
like a good little non-MCU property?

Writers: Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire

Artist: Javier Garron

Collects: Inhumans Vs X-Men #0-6

Background Information:

Y’know, I get the feeling that years ago, someone told Tom Brevoort that if you kick the X-Men down the stairs, they make funny noises. Since the beginning of Marvel NOW! in 2013, the X-Men have been getting the absolute snot kicked out of them by the Avengers, other humans, other mutants, and the hand of fate. And by the time Inhumans Vs X-Men came around, everyone at Marvel editorial staff were yelling “WHAT THE HELL! Why isn’t anyone laughing yet?”

It’s almost as if the X-Men were owned by a movie studio that had no connection to Marvel and Marvel are bitter that the children they sold into slavery aren’t coming home to dinner!

Oh, wait. They were. And Marvel are.

Review:

Seriously, how does this NOT look like a villain to you?

Or at least, they have been up until last week when Disney bought Fox and all of the X-Men and Fantastic Four characters that came with it. I can’t wait for people to find out that the Fantastic Four are a team that comic fans like only on principle and that the X-Men were already done nearly perfectly in X-Men (2000), X-2, First Class, Days of Future Past, The Wolverine, Logan, Deadpool and Deadpool 2. That’s right, folks, Fox made more movies that X-3, Origins and Apocalypse!

But I digress. My point is, the acquisition of Fox by Disney is something I’m sceptical of. But there is one silver lining: now that Disney can exploit the X-Men like Chinese children in a shoe factory, we might be rid of events like Inhumans Vs X-Men; a book designed to kick the X-Men down as far as they can go so that Marvel can promote an MCU property.

A lot of the plot of this book began in Death of X and you know what? I quite liked Death of X. It was a solid mystery book with a final twist that was well set-up. In that one, the world became convinced that the X-Men are baddies because they destroyed a cloud of poison that affects only them and gives Inhumans their unremarkable powers. Yep, the Mutants became the bad guys because they’d rather not be poisoned. 

I can answer that question, Ms Marvel, but you won't like
it.

And on that note, in Inhumans Vs X-Men, the X-people have decided that in order to have enough time to deal a second poison cloud, the Inhumans have to be put out of commission for a while. So they lock the Inhumans in hell. And I’m pretty sure that this is what Marvel thought was all that was necessary to convince us that the X-Men were the baddies here. “Hell?” they seem to say “You know who lives in Hell? Satan does and do you know what Satan is? A BADDIE!” to which the rest of the world, who have just watched Lucifer says “Are you sure? He seems rather charming and that’s without the ‘trying-not-to-die’ angle.” And Marvel then sticks their fingers in their ears singing “LALALALALA”.

Oh, wow it's... you know what? I don't
care.

Now I’m someone who believes that event book should contain all essential elements to the story in the event itself instead of in numerous tie-ins. I believe this because I have limited funds like the rest of humanity and my brain is still functioning. Marvel however, seem to think that most of its audience have made it big on bitcoin. As a result, some key parts of the story- parts that are essential to understanding what the hell is going on- are relegated to tie-ins. As a result, the majority of this book left me wondering things along the lines are “How did they know this?” “Where did these characters come from?” “How many more pages before I take a bath with a toaster oven?”

The art here is just good. It shows everything happening, it’s just a pity that the things happening just aren’t very interesting. It represents a missed opportunity for artists because the potential for awesome panels in a book where the Inhumans and X-Men really go all out in combat, but most of the book is either the Inhumans trying to get out of hell, or the X-Men trying to figure out how not to die. I know people blame Civil War for being action-light, but it’s a roller-coaster compared to this one.

Overall, this book is exactly what it sounded like when the event was announced; a marketing ploy to direct us from one product to another. It’s a shameless MCU advertisement designed to make us like the Inhumans more than the X-Men. The problem? At the end of the day, you’re likely to hate the Inhumans more that you ever did. It’s like every time Miley Cyrus is allowed in a recording studio. It gets one out of five toaster-oven baths.