Wednesday, 23 August 2017

I won't review: August Edition

Welcome to "I won't review" A short series of paragraphs where I give an overview of books I don't wish to review in depth. Mostly because they're rubbish. It's a new idea that probably won't last into next month.
 
GYAHH!! NEVER SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN!
Amazing Spider-Man 2014- the whole run by Dan Slott
 
There once was a hero named Spidey,
Who said "my best days are behind me.
My marriage is gone,
puberty is prolonged,
and that's why nobody will buy me"
 
One out of five limericks.
 
Waste of a perfectly good Venom


Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 3: Guardians Disassembled by Brian Michael Bendis
 
Okay Brian, here's something to consider. If a month from after reading your book somebody says "Hey, what's Guardians Disassembled about? I need something to fill in the time between sticking my tongue in the toaster and gouging my vitals organs out with a spoon." and I can't tell them what happened, you haven't written a great book. I'm not even sorry.
 
Two out of five vital organs.
 
Nyawww... look at the widdle Thanos!

Guaridans of the Galaxy vol. 4: Original Sin by Brian Michael Bendis
 
I was going to say that my experience reading Guardians thus far has been like an alcoholic swearing he'd never drink again after a rager only to find himself puking all over his hallway the week after. I've got a better one now, though; it's an embodiment of the old idiom "beating the dead horse". Well, except Marvel have not only killed the horse, they've brought it back to life, killed it again have beaten it, brought it back to life again, killed it again and are now trying to figure out new and exciting ways to keep beating it.
 
Two and a half out five horses.
 
Gee, it would be great to have more Fantastic
Four books, wouldn't it, MARVEL!?!?

Civil War: Fantastic Four by J Miacheal Straczynski
 
Remember how I said I wasn't reviewing these books mostly because they're rubbish? Well this is the exception: a book that takes actual time and effort in between mindless jokes an dumb action to deliver actual character development and depth. In case the title wasn't clear enough let me drop you a hint: It's a Civil War tie in. And by that I mean the good Civil War. No, not the one where Captain Marvel stole the treatment for Minority Report, that's the bad one. No, not the movie that final answers the "will they,  won't they" question Tumblr's been assuming to know the answer to for years now, that's also the bad one. I mean the one written by Mark Millar and actually dared to suggest that things were actually happening in the Marvel universe that wasn't going to be retconned  by the following Tuesday. The entire FF deal with the fallout of what is basically Sue and Reed's divorce and it goes about a smoothly as you would imagine. That is to say as smoothly as the end to this not-review.
 
Four out of five "will they; won't they" questions.