Inhumans Vs X-Men (ANAD Marvel)

C'mon X-Men, why can't you die off
like a good little non-MCU property?

Writers: Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire

Artist: Javier Garron

Collects: Inhumans Vs X-Men #0-6

Background Information:

Y’know, I get the feeling that years ago, someone told Tom Brevoort that if you kick the X-Men down the stairs, they make funny noises. Since the beginning of Marvel NOW! in 2013, the X-Men have been getting the absolute snot kicked out of them by the Avengers, other humans, other mutants, and the hand of fate. And by the time Inhumans Vs X-Men came around, everyone at Marvel editorial staff were yelling “WHAT THE HELL! Why isn’t anyone laughing yet?”

It’s almost as if the X-Men were owned by a movie studio that had no connection to Marvel and Marvel are bitter that the children they sold into slavery aren’t coming home to dinner!

Oh, wait. They were. And Marvel are.

Review:

Seriously, how does this NOT look like a villain to you?

Or at least, they have been up until last week when Disney bought Fox and all of the X-Men and Fantastic Four characters that came with it. I can’t wait for people to find out that the Fantastic Four are a team that comic fans like only on principle and that the X-Men were already done nearly perfectly in X-Men (2000), X-2, First Class, Days of Future Past, The Wolverine, Logan, Deadpool and Deadpool 2. That’s right, folks, Fox made more movies that X-3, Origins and Apocalypse!

But I digress. My point is, the acquisition of Fox by Disney is something I’m sceptical of. But there is one silver lining: now that Disney can exploit the X-Men like Chinese children in a shoe factory, we might be rid of events like Inhumans Vs X-Men; a book designed to kick the X-Men down as far as they can go so that Marvel can promote an MCU property.

A lot of the plot of this book began in Death of X and you know what? I quite liked Death of X. It was a solid mystery book with a final twist that was well set-up. In that one, the world became convinced that the X-Men are baddies because they destroyed a cloud of poison that affects only them and gives Inhumans their unremarkable powers. Yep, the Mutants became the bad guys because they’d rather not be poisoned. 

I can answer that question, Ms Marvel, but you won't like
it.

And on that note, in Inhumans Vs X-Men, the X-people have decided that in order to have enough time to deal a second poison cloud, the Inhumans have to be put out of commission for a while. So they lock the Inhumans in hell. And I’m pretty sure that this is what Marvel thought was all that was necessary to convince us that the X-Men were the baddies here. “Hell?” they seem to say “You know who lives in Hell? Satan does and do you know what Satan is? A BADDIE!” to which the rest of the world, who have just watched Lucifer says “Are you sure? He seems rather charming and that’s without the ‘trying-not-to-die’ angle.” And Marvel then sticks their fingers in their ears singing “LALALALALA”.

Oh, wow it's... you know what? I don't
care.

Now I’m someone who believes that event book should contain all essential elements to the story in the event itself instead of in numerous tie-ins. I believe this because I have limited funds like the rest of humanity and my brain is still functioning. Marvel however, seem to think that most of its audience have made it big on bitcoin. As a result, some key parts of the story- parts that are essential to understanding what the hell is going on- are relegated to tie-ins. As a result, the majority of this book left me wondering things along the lines are “How did they know this?” “Where did these characters come from?” “How many more pages before I take a bath with a toaster oven?”

The art here is just good. It shows everything happening, it’s just a pity that the things happening just aren’t very interesting. It represents a missed opportunity for artists because the potential for awesome panels in a book where the Inhumans and X-Men really go all out in combat, but most of the book is either the Inhumans trying to get out of hell, or the X-Men trying to figure out how not to die. I know people blame Civil War for being action-light, but it’s a roller-coaster compared to this one.

Overall, this book is exactly what it sounded like when the event was announced; a marketing ploy to direct us from one product to another. It’s a shameless MCU advertisement designed to make us like the Inhumans more than the X-Men. The problem? At the end of the day, you’re likely to hate the Inhumans more that you ever did. It’s like every time Miley Cyrus is allowed in a recording studio. It gets one out of five toaster-oven baths.

Death of X (ANAD Marvel) Review

Death of X (ANAD Marvel)

Writers: Jeff Lemire and Charles Soule
Artists: Aaron Kruder and Javier Garron
Collects:  Death of X #1-4

Background Information:

You know, for a company awash with "SJW" politics, they certainly like to let their non-mutant heroes beat up their minority metaphors. The Jew- I mean, X-Men- have had their numbers whittled down to two hundred in House of M and all the Avengers did was accept it as the natural order of things. Then they got punched in the face by the Avengers in Avengers vs X-Men because if Captain America didn't attack those uppity black peo- I mean, X-Men- they'd probably keep evilly disarming nuclear weapons and cruelly bringing water to drought-stricken areas (seriously, that's what they do in the book). At this point in my reading, I'm about to enter the Inhumans vs X-Men event where you can pretty much count on the Inhumans beating up the LGB- I mean, X-Men. At this point, you can colour me surprised if we don't get a Power Pack vs X-Men event where the team made up entirely of kid-appeal characters get to beat up the Musli- GAH; X-men!

Review:

In case I was being too subtle, let me make something very clear: I do not want Inhumans vs X-Men to be a real comic in the mainline continuity. Partially because I'm sick of the Mexic- wait; X-Men-being kicked around so easily when they're some of the most objectively powerful people in the Marvel universe, but mostly because I know this is isn't an event that comes naturally from good story writing. It's about promoting a team that Marvel studios can use in movies over a team they can't. Just like how Marvel cancelled the Fantastic Four because every time Kevin Feige saw it's poster on the wall, he'd start crying and listening to Good Charlotte.

That said, if this is how we have to have this event, I'm glad Death of X is the way we end up with it. It is, (and it's been a long time since I've said this about a recent Marvel book) a decent mini-series. The whole thing deals with the death of adult Cyclops (because we need to distinguish between him and young Cyclops these days). Basically, Cyclops is taking a group of Asia-- no; X-men- to Muir Island where his fellow mutants have been investigating the Terrigen clouds that have been giving Inhumans their powers and Mutants cancer. When they get there, they discover that ever non-MCU character still active in the 616 is now dead and the Terrigen cloud is to blame.

Somehow this all leads to writers Jeff Lemire and Charles Soule trying to convince you that Cyclops was the baddie in all this. See, we're lead to believe that Cyclops wants to destroy the cloud because he doesn't want other mutants  to die whereas the Inhumans want to keep the cloud because they think it's really super special. Juxtaposed against each other like this, it seems like Cyclops has the slightly nobler goal here. Sure the Inhumans see the cloud as sacred, but that seems pretty insignificant that the cloud will LITERALLY POISON ALL MUTANTS! I fail to see why I shouldn't like cheer for the Inhumans, Marvel, and their TV series isn't helping anything!

This could have been fixed by making the Inhumans seem to be some sort of underdog, but Lemire and Soule don't even seem to do that. In the first issue of the miniseries, the Inhumans, lead by Crystal, are talking about how hard it was for humans to accept them, but through diligence and hard work, the humans now cheer whenever they come to their town. On the other hand, the mutants have been hated and feared since the sixties and what kind of message are we trying to send there? See, minorities? If you just tried a bit harder you wouldn't be so oppressed all the time!

As writers, I really like Lemire and Soule so I'll give credit where credit is due. The action here is well-paced. Both writers do a great job of giving us these great moments where the characters use their powers incredibly well. There's also a plot twist at the end of this which is fantastic; partially because you don't see it coming, but mostly because for a good portion of the book, you think that one of the characters is just being written poorly. Then you find and why and I won't spoil it but it is pretty incredible. Despite everything I've just whined about, these elements do make up for them and it leads me to believe that a lot of the problems aren't the fault of the writers as much as they are of Marvel execs trying their best to get people to stop being fans of the Native Ameri- ... you know how this bit works by now.

The art is handled by Aaron Kuder an Javier Garron and it's does it's job. Both artists excel in action scenes and with the support of the colourists, it's these pages in particular that really stand out. It's when you get into calmer moments where character are allowed to show more emotion that it really becomes clear that Garron is the better artists. He's got a talent for making characters emote in ways that are emotionally relatable. Kuder, on the other hand, does something with his characters' eyes that make them look like someone has hit them on the head with a club made of concrete and hallucinogens before letting them speak. Their mouths are in the right positions, but as I was reading I kept having the sneaking suspicion I was about to join a hive mind.

Overall I liked Death of X. At the end of the day, though, it's hard to tell exactly what it is. It's either a last meal for fans before the Inhuman's bullet is put through their skull or it's bait to make us think the Indians- yes, you're getting good at predicting this now- stand a chance in the upcoming event. It gets a three out of five DCEU fans...
...
GAH! X-MEN!

***